Monday, February 13, 2012


SCENE: Hotel bedroom, on the campaign trail. MITT and his wife, ANNE, are talking.

MITT: How in hell am I going to stop this infernal yapping about our dog riding on top of the car?

ANNE: Mitt, you mustn't swear -- you know the Church forbids it.

MITT: What the hell do I care? They're nothing but a pain in my butt -- lots of people don't want a Mormon in the White House. I wish I could dump the Church -- but then people'd start screaming "Flip Flop." Worse than that, the Tea Party would denounce me for turning against my faith. Jesus, you just can't win with those crazies.

ANNE: Well, still you've got to do something to squelch this dog thing.

MITT: Goddamnit, I would have been able to talk my way out of it like I do everything else if he hadn't shit all over the car.

ANNE: Your language!

MITT: Screw it, I need to fully express myself. If King George VI could curse, so can I.

ANNE: But that was only a movie, The King's Speech.

MITT: So what? Americans don't care anything about history. They take movies as gospel truth. I've got bigger problems. That frigging book that's come out -- "The Real Romney." There's stuff in there that makes me look really when I forbade that woman to have an abortion even though she had a life-threatening blood clot in her pelvis.

ANNE: Well, of course you were right. The Church insists that from the moment of conception it's a human being and its rights must come first even if the mother might die.

MITT: Naturally, Anne. But, you've got to be quiet about that time you sneaked off to do you know what.

ANNE: That was different.

MITT: Oh, yeah?

ANNE: Well, sure. It was before we were married, and we would have been excommunicated. I HAD to!

MITT: Shhhhh! Let's not go there.
There's really bad stuff in the book, too, about all the deals I pulled when I was head of Bain Capital. And, would you believe -- Newt is bashing me for the way I did business -- Newt, of all people.

ANNE: I bet it's that trashy wife of his -- they say she leads him around by her nose.

MITT: Thank Heaven you're a proper submissive wife who lives to serve me.

ANNE: Well, now that you mention it, sometimes I get sick of playing the dutiful little wife. Times have changed. Women have opinions, husbands help with the chores, this is 2012.

MITT: No, Anne, don' t dare to think like that. You have to be subservient....the Mormons demand it, and it's part of my image -- the perfect old-fashioned family.

ANNE: Perfect, my ass! Half our sons smoke pot, another's a drunk, and then there's the gay one. How long can we keep these things under wraps?

MITT: We HAVE to, for God's sake! I've already bragged about helping gays get equal rights, then switched to saying I'll kill the same-sex marriage act. I can't flip again on this thing -- it'll finish me with the Party. They already think I'm a hypocrite.

No, my biggest problem right now is to try and convince people that I created jobs when I headed Bain. That's a real hard one, because actually I got rid of far more people than I employed.

ANNE: Can't you fudge the numbers a little?

MITT: Nah, it's all on the record. And they've got interviews in TV ads with people who I fired and lost their pensions and stuff. They say I have no heart, no empathy with real people and their real problems.

ANNE: Well, you just go out there and tell them how worried you were once when you thought you might not get a promotion. That'll show them you relate to the people's concerns.

MITT: Well, I did that and they mocked me when I said I once worried about getting a pink slip. I don't understand why they don't understand that I understand.

ANNE: Try harder, dear. Tell them how much you care.

MITT: I DID, and everybody jumped all over me when I said I didn't care about the poor, only about the middle class.

ANNE: You've got to be careful not to let them know things like that. SOME people care about the poor.

MITT: Well, why should they? The poor don't vote, for God's sake.

About the dog thing, I'll tell them how much our dog enjoyed riding on top of the car for those12 hours. That ought to stop the talk.

ANNE: Oh, dear, I'm not so sure. I've seen pictures of T shirts with the words "Crate Gate" on them.

MITT: Oh, crap, I'll have to start lying then and saying that Obama's dog, Bo, pisses all over the Oval Office, and that Obama keeps him locked up all night in the Situation Room. That should take care of it.

ANNE: But that's an outright lie!

MITT: So what? Nobody cares any more about the truth. And the media hardly ever calls me up on my lies. Yeah, I'll go ahead and trash Obama for the way he treats Bo. That'll level the playing field.

ANNE: Don't you think people also want to know your position on issues?

MITT: Don't be naive, Anne. I don't have any positions about issues and I don't have to. Voters don't give a crap about them -- they just want scandal and attacks!

ANNE: Well, all right, dear. I suppose you're right.

MITT: Yes, I'm right. I'm right. I'm far right. I'm far, far right. Ignore the health care in Massachusetts. I'm really right, far right, far, far right. (starts to babble)