BILL AND HILL PILLOW TALK -- APRIL 27, 2008
by Joan Wile, author,
"Grandmothers Against the War: Getting Off Our Fannies And Standing Up For Peace,"
published by Citadel Press
HILL: AHA! I beat that SOB. I've got him reeling since Pennslvania. He and his campaign people don't know what the hell to do. I'm gaining. I'm gaining.
BILL: Now, hold on, Hillary, you haven't gotten to the Oval Office yet. There are warning signs developing. Congressman Clyburn came out yesterday and trashed our, I mean, your campaign. You might lose the whole black vote. You can't win without them.
HILL: What do I care? At least I've destroyed that spoiler's image enough so that if he's nominated he'll lose the election. Then, it's a cinch for me in 2012.
BILL: You're not getting any younger, Hillary. You may not be up to it in four years when you'll be 64. You're already beginning to look a little ragged around the edges.
HILL: Hey, you pulled that age crap on me already with that dumb-ass remark about being sixty and forgetting things. It cost me some votes. I'm hailed for my energy, my ability to keep on fighting even though I'm sleep deprived and on the hustle 24-7. Lay off that, mister.
BILL: Well, I'm trying to give you a reality check. You're still behind in delegate count and popular vote. So, don't go counting your chickens.
HILL: What do you mean, I'm behind in popular vote? I've got Florida and Michigan to pull me ahead.
BILL: Excuse me, but they're not counting Florida and Michigan. You promised not to include them in your vote counts. Obama wasn't even on the ballot in Michigan.
HILL: Who cares? By hook or by crook, I'm going to get those votes counted, and I'm not going to allow a redo, either. I want them just the way they are -- with no opposition.
BILL: I'm telling you, they won't let you get away with that. And, you've got other problems. People don't LIKE you. The more you campaign, the more your likeability rating tanks. The super delegates pay attention to shit like that.
HILL: So what? You can twist all those arms for me, can't you, Bill? You've got plenty of goods on most of them. The bribes they gave you to push their legislation. The enormous questionable contributions to your Library. The crooked investment deals they've negotiated for you lately. They won't dare cross you.
BILL; Yeah? Well, he's got the supers crossing over to him in droves. Even your own fund raiser, what's his name, that spick, Gabriel Guerra-Mondragon, just switched to Obama. I think you'd better lay off some of the low blows you've been delivering.
HILL: Be serious. That's the only way I can beat him. I'll get as low as I have to. If you think I'm going to let this presidency slip away, you're nuts. He stole it from me. It was mine! You promised it to me if I stuck with you when you got caught fooling around with that fat bimbo. I want it! I'll get it, I don't care what I have to do!
BILL: Hillary, get a hold of yourself. You're going ballistic. You'll hurt your image if word of these tantrums gets out. Why don't you take a snort of cocaine? It always calms you down.
HILL: I used it up. Contact our connection, that Columbian friend of yours -- the one with the mining company. Now, listen, I want you to stop criticizing me. Let's talk about YOU. You're certainly not helping any by cursing when the microphone can pick it up like it did after your interview with that reporter the other day. Talk about dwindling reputations. You've been positively TORPEDOING yours lately. And, another thing. I'd like to know why George asked me that question about Bosnia at the last debate. I thought you took care of him. He was just supposed to get on OBAMA's case. He only asked three of the questions you paid him to ask. What happened to the fourth one -- the one asking him about his mother being an atheist? That was supposed to be the killer.
BILL: I decided not to go there. That's shaky ground. You've blathered on so much about your faith, I don't want to risk you're being exposed as a phony.
HILL: I can lie about anything I want to. This is politics.
BILL: I can't argue with that, that's for sure.
HILL: OK, now go back to your bedroom. I've got to think up my next attack. Maybe I'll pull out the race card all the way and tell Indiana he's a member of the Black Panthers.
BILL: Good one. And, why don't you look over those guidelines again that Karl Rove sent you? Well, g'night.
HILL: (ignoring him -- talking to self) Should I say he's a Black Panther or should I say he's a closet gay? Maybe I'll say he's a secret agent for the Castros....I'll get him....I'll get him. I MUST be President. Nobody else but me is entitled to be.