BILL: Now, you've REALLY blown it, Hillary. I said to CHALLENGE him about those leaflets, not have a hissy fit. You came on like the Wicked Witch of the North. Your face was as red as your jacket. And, why'd you have to dis him so viciously right after that love fest in Texas? You seemed positively schizo!
HILL: That wasn't MY idea to suck up to Obama in the debate. That was Mark Penn's cockamamie plan. He said it would make me look sympathetic. That slick upstart, Obama, is stealing what should rightfully be mine. I'm at the end of my rope. I don't know what to do. And, YOU certainly haven't helped any.
BILL: Oh, now it's MY fault, huh? Come on, Hillary. Stop looking for other people to blame. Face it, you're a lousy campaigner. All detail smarts but no retail smarts. All wonk, but no conk. You can't deliver that knock-out punch.
HILL: (shouting shrilly) I WANT TO BE PRESIDENT, DAMNIT. I DESERVE TO BE PRESIDENT! He can't do this to me. There's got to be SOMETHING I can do.
BILL: Have your people scoured the records to see if he ever had some hanky-panky? Some little back-room tryst?
HILL: Don't you think if there was anything we could find, we'd have come out with it by now? Besides, it would only remind people of how you made out with that fat little bimbo. It's hard enough to keep bragging about your Presidency without pushing THAT button.
BILL: Well, keep accusing him of plagiarism.
HILL: How can I do that when I quoted YOU in that riff I gave at the end about my troubles being nothing compared to most Americans? Talk about plagiarism.
BILL: Then, Hillary, you're just going to have to cope with the truth -- you might not be President. Learn to live with it.
HILL: No, no, don't even think such a thing. I HAVE to be President. Go away. I don't want to hear what you're saying. And, I know that in your heart you don't really WANT me to be President. That's why you've been screwing up my campaign. You wouldn't be able to take being subordinate to me. (throws pillow at him)
BILL: Hillary, get a grip on yourself. Remember, you have to be controlled and disciplined. Think of your image.
HILL: (throws another pillow at him, throws herself on the floor and has a two-year-old-child like temper tantrum, flailing her legs and arms) I DON'T CARE, I WANT TO BE PRESIDENT! I WANT TO BE PRESIDENT. (keeps screaming until BILL throws a glass of cold water on her -- then she sputters to quiet whimpering)
BILL: That's better. Here....take a hit of cocaine. It always calms you down.
(gives her a sniff, while singing)
FORGET YOUR TROUBLES AND JUST GET HAPPY
YOU BETTER CHASE ALL YOUR CARES AWAY
SHOUT HALLELUJAH, COME ON GET HAPPY...