HILL AND BILL PILLOW TALK -- SCENE 2
by Joan Wile, Founder, Grandmothers Against the War
and Author, "Grandmothers Against the War; Getting off Our Fannies and Standing up for Peace," to be published by Citadel Press, April 29, 2008
HILL: I'm glad you toned down your attacks on Obama a little, but how the hell could you lose Kennedy?
BILL; That old double crossing windbag? And after all the cozying up we did with him sailing on his yacht until I puked.
HILL; You're supposed to be the master politician, so how come you let the big one get away like that?
BILL: Don't have a hissy fit. I got even with him the other day when I said that he voted for the No Child Left Behind bill that Bush sponsored. That'll fix his wagon.
HILL: You idiot!! I voted for it, too. Just wait until the pundits get hold of THAT one. I can just see Maureen Dowd's next column.
BILL: Well, you're making your share of goofs, too. That gobbleygook you spouted in the LA debate about why you voted for authorizing Bush to attack Iraq was an embarrassment! Obama really one-upped you on that one. Why don't you LISTEN to me? I told you years ago to say it was a mistake and apologize and get it over with. But, you can't admit to making mistakes. It drives me crazy.
HILL: That's nothing compared to your relationship with that Canadian mining millionaire. The one who donated $31 million to your Library. The one you helped make a deal with the Kazakhstan mining company. It's all over the papers now. I BEGGED you not to pal around with that guy. I have a hard enough time keeping the press off my tail about our donations from drug companies and PACs.
BILL: If you think I'm going to pass up 31 million bucks just so you can compete with me and become President, you're nuts.
HILL: Aha!! I knew you subconsciously wanted me to lose. You can't STAND to let me steal your thunder. And, you know damned well that I won't screw up like you did. You just couldn't keep your pants zipped, could you?
BILL: I was horny, for Christ's sake. Who wouldn't be with a cold fish for a wife like you? But, there's one thing you can't top me at, sister. They LOVED me, and they still do. You're lucky if they even like you, much less love you. You just don't have it. You're too stern, too icy. Let's face it, no magnetism, lady. I don't care how loudly you laugh, you just don't make it in the personality department.
HILL: Well, that's not our biggest problem. We've got to silence all the talk of a co-presidency.
BILL: So, what do you think I'm going to do if you're President? Make up menus for state dinners? You'd better believe it will be a co-presidency. That was our deal. I campaign for you and I'll run things on the sly.
HILL: You S.O.B. I'M going to make the decisions.
BILL: What? And run the country into the ground? NO WAY!
HILL: You're not going to tell me what to do. Go off to Africa or someplace and let ME handle things. (THROWS PILLOW AT HIM.)
BILL: You don't really want me to leave you alone there, do you? You know you can't cut it. (THROWS PILLOW BACK)
They start to push each other and fall down on the ground tussling.